While Eddie may only really cook to contribute to this blog, I created this space solely for the purpose of chronicling our life together. Which mainly revolves around food. But even as that is the human way and need to survive – to eat – it is not always a loving relationship. Just like a marriage, you have to find compromises with food.
Growing up, I struggled with being the slightly larger child amongst my peers. To be honest, sometimes I felt like a giant. But I wasn’t necessarily fat, I was just a bit chubby. And strong. I was a good athlete and pretty spry. I, naturally, got my boobs first and clothes shopping just went from hard to harder. I couldn’t wear what I wanted to wear, so it became sporty and comfortable. I drooled over other pantries in my friends homes that had fruit roll ups and candy and chips, while mine contained canned goods, nuts and spices. Others had gushers as the special treat in their lunch and I got carrot sticks. My mom was always super healthy and my dad was the only one who’d make me meals that involved microwave burritos, soup and bread or waffles on a Saturday morning. So I became dependent on bread to fill me up. It was my candy. And peanut butter was an additional treat. A LOT of peanut butter.
I definitely recognize the mistake in this. Denying your child of all junk food just leads them to yearn for it more and more until they hoard and gorge it. I actually hid a small container of sugar and cinnamon mixed together in my room, so I could lick my finger and dip it in.. repeat repeat repeat. Until my mouth was raw.
Oh, and I got pizza as a child at least. But it was only special occasions. And I’d watch myself devour up to three slices when I was 6 or 7 years old, only to watch my peers barely finish one.
Then I was forced into dresses for special occasions and came to despise that as well. Eating was always a battle, because I always felt I wanted to more. But as I’ve gotten older, I understand what my past has done to me and I’ve learned some tricks to curb these eating habits. Consistent (but constantly varying) exercise, being more thoughtful about what I purchase at the grocery store and because I chose to listen to my body – cut out the foods (and drinks) that have been affecting me negatively. No more constant stomach gurgling because of the grande iced coffee I’d get from Starbucks every single morning with added half and half and sugar (and little breakfast to go along with it). Limiting alcohol. As hard as that is. Trying to replace vices with something healthier.
It took me a while, but I think I might have found a routine that is working – improving my health (body and mind) and is actually making me smaller. It’s only been about two months (with a bout of sickness in between), so I just need to keep this rhythm going.
The thing about compromising is – those bad days aren’t the end of the world. It’s amazing how your body can bounce back. And if you listen to your body, you’ll know how to keep yourself satisfied and not over-indulge. And if you do – it’s just a small hurdle. Get over it and keep going. You can’t be so hard on yourself to just give up. It’s such a simple message, but giving up is really not worth it in the end. For me – it’s back aches, head aches, stomach aches and a mind that can regress into a dark hole. I will have my dark days, but the compromise is to understand that and keep going.
Eddie and I recently ordered our save-the-dates for our wedding next year and I made him do a photo shoot with me. I set up the tripod and took the photos, running back and forth in my heels. One of the things I know right now is that we’re not that happy with ourselves. And I see a lot of people who are disappointed with themselves when seeing their photo. I want to work to change this. Because I think we look pretty damn good, and whatever flaws we have – we can either change or embrace. Compromise.